I have the power...

Ever have one of those days when you can almost actually hear the conflict inside of yourself?  You know the conflict, the proverbial angel and devil on opposite shoulders? 

At 41 years old, I would like to believe that I have evolved to a level of maturity that eliminates the need for retaliation or one-uppedness, or whatever you want to call it.  To let hurtful people just be hurtful and not let it affect me, to not feel like I have to let the other person know that they DO NOT have the upper hand.  Sadly, I am not there yet.  However, the fact that I have the inner conflict tells me that I am getting there.  That is progress. 

Every day we are faced with people who, for whatever the reason, just don’t like us.  Maybe we unknowingly scowl too much, maybe we have political views that we feel strongly about that they disagree with, maybe we have stepped over an invisible boundary that we didn’t know existed, maybe we are someone that the other person wishes they were, maybe we are the epitome of what they hope to never be, maybe we are too nice or too judgmental or too fat or too pretty, who knows!

The point is this; that it doesn’t really matter.  When we wake up in the morning, we are the ones who have to look at ourselves in the mirror.  And we all know that no matter what face we put on in public and to the people around us, that look in the mirror is our moment of truth.  If we are human at all, we face our faults in that mirror; we see our weaknesses and our truths.  But we also see our strengths.  The trick is to recognize them all for what they are and do the right thing.  On many days we will struggle with this, but on those days when we allow for common sense and unselfishness to prevail, we will do the right thing, the thing that is healthy and productive, the thing that makes us a positive example to our children.  Sure, we may have legal or moral rights to act otherwise, but that doesn’t mean that it is the right thing to do for everyone involved. 

And so, this morning, as I looked at myself in the mirror, I allowed for the angel to prevail.  I have decided to take the power away from those who mean to do me harm.  I will not allow myself to be dragged down to a level that I would be ashamed of in the long run.  Because a moment of self- satisfaction is not worth the self-loathing that will follow, when I know that I am a better person.  And I know that my decision is a sign that I am maturing.  Maybe someday I will get there.  :)

What we don't say

"Say what you mean"...."Mean what you say"...

I have heard these 2 phrases endlessly throughout my life.  I have even been know to fire them off in a moment of frustration.

Why are these things so hard to do?  I mean, of course I know why, but WHY?!

The "why" is that we don't want to hurt someone, or we are afraid of the consequences if we are truthful, or we are fearful of what someone may think of us, or, and here's my favorite, we've already said it a million times and noone is listening. 

Dear Random Teenager:  If you are excited about something, why are you compelled to poo-poo it?  To act like it's no big deal?  At what point in our society did we decide that being happy and excited about something was "uncool"?  Guess what, if you poo-poo it, the likelihood is that a random adult WILL NOT let it happen again, because you appeared to have no appreciation for it the last time.  Now you've cut your nose off to spite your face.  (Ask an old person, they'll tell you what that means.)

If my girlfriend asks my opinion about a circumstance in her life, why would I lie?  Why should I sugar-coat?  I assume she is asking because she wants my advice.  Or wait, maybe she is just venting but didn't say that!!  Oh Crap!  Now I've given an honest reply to a misleading request.  And now I am the bad guy.  DAMN!

And let's not forget the classic;  "What's wrong Honey"...."Nothing"...UGH!  I am sooo very guilty of this!  We all are.  We expect that the other person has a crystal ball, that they know exactly what is going on in our head.  And when they don't act (or react) according to our plan, we get angry...wha-wha-what?!?  So unfair.  To them, to you. 

What I've learned is this;  if you don't speak the truth, if you are not open, if your are not honest, then you are handing your happiness right on over to someone else...

If you don't, what happens?  Let's see here...(just an example, not an actual event)...I don't tell my significant other that him putting hats on the table drives me crazy, when he does, I move it to the chair, he continues to do it, I continue to put them on the chair.  And round and round we go. Finally I snap..."Haven't you noticed that everytime you put your hat on the table, I move it to the chair?!?!  God, could you be any more inconsiderate?"  And he stares at me dumbfounded.  "What's the matter with you today?"  (Thought in my head:  He better not ask if I'm on my period or I'll behead him!  ;) )  A ridiculous, completely off subject fight then ensues, ruining an otherwise uneventful afternoon.  Blech.


Wikipedia defines Passive Agressive Behavior as this:

Passive–aggressive behavior, a personality trait, is passive, sometimes obstructionist resistance to following through with expectations in interpersonal or occupational situations. It is a personality trait marked by a pervasive pattern of negative attitudes and passive, usually disavowed, resistance in interpersonal or occupational situations.
It can manifest itself as:
1.  learned helplessness
2.  procrastination
3.  stubbornness
4.  resentment
5.  sullenness
6.  deliberate/repeated failure to accomplish requested tasks for which one is (often explicitly) responsible.^[1]

Beyond the mumbo jumbo of the definition is the list of unhappy stuff that can manifest as a result...none of which I want in my life.  It's the yucky stuff that kills relationships.  It's the mortar to the bricks in our wall...you know the wall, the one we build to protect our heart. 

So let's do this...let's be honest, let's be happy when we are happy, let's be angry when we are angry, let's show the love that we feel inside.  Because in the end, it's our life, and we are in control. 

**Disclaimer:  I AM NOT suggesting you be mean.  Honesty and mean spiritedness do NOT necessarily go hand in hand.  :)

<3

A Promise to Myself

When it comes to self-preservation, I am clueless.  I am the protector of my heart.  And believe me when I say that I am terribly overprotective when I needn't be and entirely underprotective when it matters most.

For my entire adult life, I have prided myself on being a survivor.  I have a keen ability to pick myself up, dust myself off and forge ahead.  Over the last couple of weeks I have begun to question whether or not surviving is enough.  Surviving is not living, living is living.

Starting today, I vow to live.

I will wake up and wonder what treasured moment I will encounter today, not worry about what is going to go wrong today.

I will look forward to tomorrow and what it may bring, not prepare myself for what I may have to survive tomorrow, or what brokenness may need fixed. 

I will not live day after day as if it were a game of 52 Card Pick Up.

I will learn to let go, to trust that if I fall someone will catch me, as they have promised to do. 

I will love without looking over my shoulder, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I am worthy of living, worthy of love, and worthy of happiness.

We all are. 

<3



And the Journey Begins...

A BLOG?  Really?!?  Why would you write a blog?  You’re “Just Renee”.

Truth is it just came to me.  Sitting at work, pushing payroll paperwork and trying to sift through all that was swirling through my brain, I thought to myself, “Boy, you could write a book!”  But, being a sufferer of self-diagnosed adult ADD and basic blonde scatter-brained-ness, that is out of the question.  (At least for now)  ;)  And so, a blog it is.  Throw it at the wall and see what sticks..…or something like that.

You see, 2 ½ years ago I found Facebook.  Not an original tale, I know.  But it gave me an outlet, a voice so to speak.  I could post on my wall all the things I wanted to say out loud but that weren’t always situationally appropriate or even worth the breath it would take to say it out loud.  You know, the random “Blah, it’s raining and I don’t want to be out of bed” or “Anyone seen that new Bradley Cooper (YUM!) movie?”  or even “Good Morning!”  And it appeared that there were others just like me!  People actually said “Good Morning” in return!  Now THAT was refreshing!  And look out world when I could post from my mobile device…HA!  Now I could share my excitement over a deliciously refreshing iced mocha on a hot summer day, or pictures of my ridiculously cute children playing badminton in the back yard.  (I thought this was spelled badmitton, hmmm). 

What I learned from my Facebook addiction was that it felt better to get it out.  Even of it wasn’t necessarily festering.  Saying how I felt about something and getting reassuring feedback, that I wasn’t the only one to feel that way.  Or to voice an opinion that hit someone’s nerve and have it open a dialogue.  I LOVE that! 

I’m an over talker, an over explainer, an over analyzer.  I’m opinionated.  I’m passionate about my beliefs.  I’m overly emotional.  I’m a lover, I give all I have and pray that it comes back, although it never seems to work that way.  But that’s ok.  I know that I'm not the only one.  And it makes me feel better to know that.  Maybe I can make someone feel better when they realize that they aren't either.

What will my blog be about?  I have no idea.  I don’t have a plan.  I will write once a week at a minimum.  I will always be honest.  I will never be someone that I am not.  I have learned A LOT of life lessons in my 40 years on this planet.  I hope that my musings will entertain, educate, open lines of debate, give insight, make you laugh, maybe you’ll cry. 

I welcome feedback, topic ideas, Q&A sessions would be awesome, although truth be told, I am a jack of all trades and a master at nothing!  LOL!  I suspect “Crazy’s” personality may morph and change, kinda like my moods. 

So….. welcome to my roller coaster!  I hope the journey is worth your while.  <3